Angel

Fack...

2010-02-21T15:00:00.000-08:00

There are few things in the world sexier than trance.

First State - Falling

Daul

2010-01-22T22:41:00.000-08:00

So Daul died, I know it's old news. I guess that's what law school does to you, it makes everything obsolete.

I saw Daul from time to time. We ran in different circles; she was a Next girl, I was a Wilhelmina girl. They did fashion, we did commercial. But ever so often, when our castings collide, we exchange the cursory glances at our all Asian casting. There are so few of us, I think maybe thirty in NYC. And I think at one point or another, we've all shared a polite elevator ride up in 4 Times Square.

She was ephemeral. She was beautiful. She was quirky. She was everything I wish I could be-- two inches taller and twenty pounds thinner.

She loved house and trance, that's probably the only thing we shared. That and the loneliness on set. Everyday new people, sometimes not nice, and all the waiting. The damn waiting.

I know how dark the industry can be, it's a black hole that gets you to do stupid relentlessness things. Those nagging feelings, those nagging friends. Those people who poke and pull at your face where you're simultaneously the most important and least important person in the room. The empty hotel rooms. The endless flights. Life feels like it's on pause.

So you go home with your high heels that hurt too much after a ten hour day in command. All you have left is that voice on the other end of the line who tell you they love you and you know they do, but they are too far for comfort and you are too far from home.

Daul, this one is for you. Here's to better days and better ways.

Lonely Girl (Gareth Emery Remix) ASOT 402

Back Where You Belong

2010-01-10T22:01:00.000-08:00

I am going back to hell if hell was sub-zero degrees. Good bye pretty lights, gritty streets and love of my life. Goodbye hazy beaches, lazy mornings and our 6:30pm rendez-vous.

This three week break was bliss. From UFC to West Palm Beach to those golden arches that will carry us into 2010 and beyond.

---------------------
X and I donated our final pint of blood to New York Blood Center last week to complete our gallon club membership. We are working our way into the five gallon club... maybe in another five years.

It is funny, it all started out as a way to skip a few classes in high school but as I get older I start to think more about the sick people. Maybe it is because we are getting to that age where we start to think about our own future. Or maybe New York Blood Center does a hell of a job with their ad campaign. Whatever the reason, it has really got me thinking about the madness and the destruction (both natural and man-made) in the world... underwear bomb on an early Christmas flight anyone?

Someone somewhere said that worrying prematurely is worrying needlessly-- I am sure I blundered through that quote. But I get it now. I remember when we were young, the grown-ups always worried about us and we never understood. We cut classes, we smoked cigarettes, we kissed boys and we stayed out late because it was all fun and games.

And we never thought that bad things would happen (at least not to us)... but if 2009 has taught me anything, it is probably that we need to do the best we can for the world. There are too many horrible things that are just out of our control that it just seems only right to try to do the things that are within our control.

http://www.nybloodcenter.org/index.jsp

Andy Duguid - Wasted

1.5L

2009-12-30T21:20:00.000-08:00

Law School is everything I expected.

I thought I would like the people and I do. I knew the professors would be brilliant and they are. I figured I would study ten to sixteen (during finals) hours a day and boy did I.

What can I say? Most of the time I go from point A (my apartment) to point B (Hutchins Hall) and sometimes I even go to a mysterious point C (supermarket).

I guess the only big surprise is how easy it is to have a long distance relationship. Sure, I know a person or two that couldn't pull through but almost everyone is blissfully faithful. It all comes down to the fundamentals. How happy are you?

----

Do you ever want to pull someone out from a long-drawn-out painful and fiery death from a slow-moving train wreck? I do. I have a friend-- you know... that proverbial friend-- who is with this person that's so damn wrong but they just won't do something about it. And they're never wrong in an obscene eyebrow-piercing-woman-beating-animal-killing-make-love-to-a-corpse way; that would be too easy. Usually, they're wrong in a way that is so subtle and so minute where it's easy to ignore that nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach that screams "get out".

I don't know, we've all been there done that. I know I have. You think to yourself that if you could change this one thing about this person, that they would be perfect. But almost perfect is not enough, not for me. And no one should ever have to settle for anything less.

We're all afraid to leave our comfort zone... to take the next step forward. But that's what we have to do-- keep moving forward. Maybe it's me but I would rather be alone than unhappy even for a second.

I'm glad I took that step and I suppose I will have to just sit on the sidelines and watch their God awful crash.

Who doesn't love a fireworks show?

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane

2009-08-15T22:54:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving my old life behind and for the first time I'll be on my own in Michigan. I know I should be excited but all I can do is hold back these dark shadows.

I'm trying so hard to not make the same mistakes but everything is clear only in hindsight. If I learned anything these past few months, it's that we're 'giving it away'. They say time heals all but I still think about Casey every day. I know I should be thankful that his death was the biggest tragedy in my life but I can't seem to find the grace. And I feel so ungrateful for being so bitter about Casey or leaving home because it's so small in comparison to the heartbreak in the world.

Isn't it strange how it always comes down to the little things? These little things that you take for granted like waking up next to someone or the way someone smells.

There will always be vestiges of the past that lingers on but slow and steady like the little drummer boy, we march on.

I just hope God can forgive me for being so selfish.

Seems like it's been forever since you've been gone

There was a sparkly glittery time when casey loved mommy and mommy loved casey.

2009-04-25T23:25:00.000-07:00

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

I'm gonna hold you close again one day Casey.

Bruised Water... God Damn.

2009-04-11T22:44:00.000-07:00

I imagine you on an infinite line, faulty on the horizion.

You're all about soul and everybody knows.

There are inexplicable things about you that are so intoxicating that you make me surrender the soundest of my senses; things I never knew I longed for until I met you one random day.

Trance trance trance till' I die... and then you bring me back to life.

The End of an Era... kind of.

2009-04-08T14:41:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I'm shooting for Cosmopolitan... could it really be the last photoshoot I'll ever have? I don't know. Four years of modelling and MTV was fun (nay, more than fun-- life changing) but now it kind of feels like I have to get back to my real life.

But I'm excited for the future. It feels like such a fantasy; I can't believe I'm at the point of my life where I can say "Thanks but no thanks" to rocking schools to which I've been accepted like Duke, Georgetown or Cornell. They say half the battle is getting there and I think that's true of anything.

Modelling and Law School alike requires tremendous grunt work. Building your portfolio-- building your resume. Going to castings-- studying for LSATs. You have to work really hard to get your foot in the door to a top agency or a renowned Law School but I think it's worth it. Sure there are some people with natural beauty or talent, but I think for the most of us, we have to really try.

So what I'm trying to say is you have to really want it... whatever that "it" may be. And you have to remember to never take the easy way out because if it was that easy, everyone would be doing it.

And I really do believe that. Barring a (genetic) mental incapacitation, you can really do anything. You make your own luck.

With that being said, I still don't know where I'm going to Law School next year... I'll let that be a mystery for another week or two.

Gui Boratoo - No Turning Back

Thanksgiving Palooza

2008-11-25T21:43:00.000-08:00

The only constant is change, continuing change, inevitable change. - Isaac

It's strange how different everything is when I don't feel any different at all. Looking back I wonder if everyone is equally as mind-blowing idiotic as me (Yeah.. I went there. I read my 3rd grade Diary... I was and still am soooo lame)? Everything changed for the better and I don't know what I did to deserve it but it's right here neatly wrapped in expensive Papyrus brand paper and I wonder how I ever got to be so lucky.

And for the first time life isn't raveled around one singular wonderment that consumes you like work, parents, friends, school or a boyfriend but rather, everything is a delight in a twisted kind of way. So I guess I realized... I mean really realized is that life is what we make it.

Best of all, when I smile, I smile from the heart and it's so bizarre because I've carried around an emptiness for so long and all of a sudden I feel whole and it's nothing and everything I ever wanted.

And yes, there will always be the stresses of life but it pales in comparison to the rainbow coalition of bliss that comes from you.

Love isn't what I imagined it to be at all. It isn't about the magic even though the magic is very real. It's the ability for it to light up all the other aspects of your life. It's the capability to walk around feeling full... complacent, I don't know.

And I guess it's not about how you feel about the person but rather, the way they make you feel about everything else and I understand that now.

50 ways to leave your lover

2008-11-10T12:16:00.000-08:00

I know this sounds crazy but I think there's something inherently romantic about leaving someone. It's the soul's recognition of the absence of the one that gets me everytime. I like the notion that there's a screaming part of your heart that refuses to settle for less.

---

My agency is flying me out to Miami for a photoshoot tomorrow. It's my first time and I'll be all by myself like last time in Vegas... I'll pack my LSATs to study. Maybe next time, it'll be for fun =)

10/31/08 - Armin Van Buren rocked it.

A Jackass for Halloween.

2008-10-27T15:31:00.000-07:00

The idea of modern Halloween is so ludcrious and so far removed from its origins, I can't fathom any other country in the world embracing the concept of grown men dressing up as IPods as a national holiday other than America.

What exactly compels us to dress our infants up as lady bugs only to go door to door begging strangers for free candy?

I don't know but I LOVE IT.

We need to come up with more Holiday concotions like this one and I don't mean the semi-ridiculous easter bunny, santa claus crap. I mean something equally obscene and stupid as Halloween. One day of being a Jackass is not enough.

Another Hurdle

2008-10-07T15:56:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to write one last post as a 21 year old.

Great year but it only gets better.

The American Dream

2008-08-28T21:48:00.000-07:00

Without any doubt nor ambiguity; we live in the greatest country in the world.

With only dreams and tenacity at hand, the ability to achieve anything is not only a possibility but quintessentially dubbed The American Dream. This is a country where an estranged immigrant with only twenty-four dollars in his pocket and a citizenship obtained through political asylum can just fifteen years later become a multi-millionaire with broken english-- I know that man, I call him dad.

Growing up in America, I've only just begun to realize the magnitude of the American spirit. Strange how we can take for granted even the most basic rights that are refused by billions of people in the world. I can only begin to describe the awed envious looks on the faces of many others in an international airport when I flash that navy-blue passport that so proudly says "The United States of America" because united we are, by the common thread of being alien in a new land, of working hard to achieve greatness and of our undying devotion to our undeniable rights.

We are by no means perfect, but the pursuit of something greater than you and I, that is the pursuit of equality and opportunity drives us to strive for the better. If we want something bad enough, we as Americans will always without fail get it. We're a country founded by people that believed in change, to escape the tyranny of the old world politics, to practice what they believed in their very core to be right.

So Obama is right tonight when he says that we're not a "blue America or a red America" but the United States of America. And forgive me for being idealistic, but together we can build a country that will be worthy of the world's envy.

And when people tell me how this country is falling apart and how this country is trailing wayward, I just smile and nod. Because they don't know yet, they haven't seen America through my eyes. They don't know what it's like to be hungry in a third world country (at the time), they don't know what it's like to never have seen a car, the don't know what it feels like to know that working hard does not equate to proportional success-- I do, I was there and I love the US of A.

-----

By the way, I'm still on my raw journey. I can't seem to get into your blog but I just wanted to update you!

Selective Amnesia

2008-08-21T22:46:00.001-07:00

Post tomorrow.

Make-up Recommendation: Baby oil is a great alternative to eyemakeup remover which can cost upwards of $10. You can buy a small baby oil bottle at any pharmacy for less than $2 and it will last you for more than a month.

The Persistence of Time

2008-07-30T21:53:00.000-07:00

Do you ever walk around and out of nowhere, nowhere at all... a wave of regret overwhelms you and you whisper to yourself "Damn... could've, would've, should've."

I don't know why but that makes me feel so helpless. I guess it's because I can't grasp that notion, I don't believe in it. It's so unreal like a hazy dream, intangible and fabricated.

Me? I can only miss the idea of a person, I take all the things that I want to remember and store it in a box. I hand-pick the colorful memories and hold it close. Wasted years and that one big blow makes me wonder how I could be that naive.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I wish I could be all that for you. The stuff you miss or the one that got away. I don't know what I want from you... I'm confused. But I do know that I hope you are the person I hope you are.

Don't call me baby, I don't want to be second to that name. Are you lying to me or just lying to yourself baby?

I think about you all the time, but I don't need the same. - Name

2008-07-14T17:25:00.001-07:00

My Zappos Ad, I finally found it in Lucky Magazine. Thanks Jiaying!

Skin Care Recommendation: Oil of Olay Complete is the only moisterizer I use. It is afforadable, has SPF 15, smells great and gets the job done. All my make-up artists stress how important it is to moisterize before you apply makeup so I dab some on 5 minutes before my foundation/concealer. I really don't think it's important to go out and buy expensive moisterizers, especially the ones with collagen because research has proven collagen can't really be absorbed through the skin in quantities that would be beneficial.

H.F.C.S.

2008-07-11T06:53:00.000-07:00

My love affair with you began even before I knew of your existence. All I knew was that you made everything mind-numbingly amazing. Soon you had a hold on me and when I was finally told how bad you really were, I was hooked. I was like a junkie... people should have held an intervention for me except they were too far gone as well.

So like any rational junkie I quit cold turkey. Sure, it worked for 3 months but I eventually relapsed.

Like a jealous ex-lover, I seethed everytime I saw you with someone else... "if I can't have you, nobody can!" I thought. So could anyone blame poor me when my addiction to you came bearing down with the force of a million sperm whales?

Getting over you ain't easy, that's for sure. But I'm slowly putting you behind. Baby steps love, baby steps. But High Fructose Corn Syrup, I hope you know I still think about you when I'm eating a bland chicken wing at an otherwise perfect barbeque.

Yes, I'll come clean. You haunt me even today. You take the simple pleasures out of life. Everything from the obvious (chocolate syrup) to the not so obvious (ketchup and low-fat italian dressing -- my favorite...).

I know now that I'm better off without you. Yeah, I just have to keep telling myself that.

Make-up Recommendation: Chanel's Nude Blush is a must-have color and so easy to apply. Because of its natural sun-kissed colors (not at all like bronze which I despise), it's so easy to apply all over your face as you see fit (I would recommend cheeks and the tip of the nose) and it gives you beautiful summer glow.

My Babies - Casey & Toby

Death and so on

2008-07-05T05:18:00.000-07:00

I'm a sucker for scary movies. After watching "The Happening" and "The Eye", I am thoroughly convinced my apartment is haunted. There is a dark portion of the corrirdor that is inexpelicably omnious. Of course I am told that the movies mentioned above were not even scary-- tell that to the could-be ghost looming near the door knob. One more thing, the shower faucet won't turn off. Coincidence? Perhaps. But I'm almost sure it's Robert the could-be ghost.

I am trying to come to terms with mortality. Being blessed with a death-free life can not possibly be permanent. The older I get, the more likely I am going to have to face a little someone named reaper. And despite the fact that meatball my beloved hamster has passed when I was seven does not at all mean I am prepared to handle it.

Yes "it". The it that nails you one surprising summer afternoon. And now the thoughts that keep me up at night... those insomniatic nights that I thought I already learned to bypass last freakin year... are thoughts of life after death.

I'm freaking out about the inevitable. The "What Ifs" are clamping down on my sleepless nights. What if there is judgment... who judges? What's good enough? Is there a heaven and who's going? What about that piece of candy I stole in 6th grade? Is there reincarnation? Am I coming back a slug? Or worse, what if there's nothingness. And what if I'm never going to be reunited with Meatball. And if I'm never going to be reunited with Meatball, did he have a happy life? Did I give him a happy life?

What's the lesson? I don't know. Be happy in the moment? Yes, duh. But there's more, there's so much more, and I don't know what it is. And I have a feeling I'm going to be up a little bit longer tonight.

I can't believe something as unseeming as "The Happening" or "The Eye" can be so unerving. Damn you Hollywood and your supposedly innocent interpreation of reality.

---

Product Recommendation: I am loving Laura Mercier's duo concealer right now! Since it's the summer and we don't have to suffer through dry skin anymore, concealer is all you need. No more foundation masks, just get buy a concealer brush (I use Armani's concealer brush-- you can buy it at Saks Fifth Avenue) and blend the duo concealer colors as you see fit. Usually under the eye, corners of the mouth and the around the nose does it for me and you can let the rest of your natural color shine through for the rest of the summer and save on expensive foundations.

Beauty Inside & Out

2008-06-14T20:29:00.001-07:00

The pursuit of the perfect physique is exhausting. Fat free, sugar free and low cal are the mantra of a poor dieter like me. All the painstaking nights of starvation and the intoxicating mornings(caffeine and all) leaves no satisfaction.

Waiting for a miracle drug leads to the deceptive art of buying product, endless useless, expensive (but oh so shiny!) products. Vitamins, lotions and all of aisle 6 at the Drug Store are the staple of contemporary health.

I want to once and for all, reject all this BS. GNC should not be our health store! There are no easy fix-its and I think we all need to come to terms with that. There is no miracle cure, if there was, the diet beauty and health industry would not be a multi-billion dollar sector.

They're scared to tell you to look down the produce aisle because once you do, you'll never look back. Detoxify your body with nature and yes I know, even I am cringing at my hippy-osity right now. Don't fall prey to crazy fads that yield fast results like the Master Cleanse or a liquid diet. You only get one body and you don't want to be that cadaver on last week's Discovery Channel with the black-tar like intestine. You don't need expensive product or makeup to look and feel great.

I wouldn't say it if I didn't whole-heartedly believe it. Eat right. Drink real vegetable juice and not V8, invest in a juicer, you don't need 6 meals a day (when does your body get a break from digesting? Of course you're tired all the time, your body is wasting all its energy on breaking down your breakfast, your pre-lunch snack, your lunch and your afternoon snack), that's phoo-ha. Only eat fruits in the morning and not with anything else or else it will ferment in your body (watermelon excluded). Yes you're having indigestion because eating starches releases alkalines and eating meat releases acid so when you eat them together they negate and food doesn't get digested. But don't take my word for it. The best beauty advice I can give is to go out there and find a raw food detox book, the recipes are amazing. I couldn't believe it myself but I made my own ice cream and salad dressing even though the kitchen is completely foreign to me.

Natalie Rose's The Raw Food Detox Diet book is a real eye-opener. Stupid as it seems, it changed my life. Do yourself a favor and start making a change. Even a little bit will do. You won't regret it. I haven't been happier, more awake and if anything, not for your health then I hope that radiant skin, bouncy hair and quick weight loss will prompt you at least take a peek =).

There are no cosmetics that I can recommend more than this but I will definitely continue next time with more cosmetic recmmendations.

Deep Dish - We Gonna Feel It.

to upload

2008-05-30T11:30:00.000-07:00

@#(*& !

2008-05-29T12:52:00.000-07:00

I'm in angst. Model agency angst.

Bermuda Sunday. Thank goodness.

---

Edit:// I just switched agencies from MC2 Models to Wilhelmina Models. Cross your fingers for me and hope the switch was for the better!

The Heart of the Matter

2008-05-13T16:35:00.001-07:00

The idea that people are unchangeable is suppositious to me. All it takes is the right words, the right kiss, the right soul and those painstaking preconveived notions fall apart. And that jerk who likes to smirk so enticingly with his over geled hair becomes that jerk who tucks the last strand of hair accross your face behind you ear two years later.

-----

All it takes is you in this hollow trench. Turn sideways and I'm torn between wanting it all and nothing at all.

-----

We're going away away! To the beaches of Bermuda. It's been a year since we've gotten that close to the equator so I'm going to be fully prepared with the good stuff for the double-take.

I'll go wherever you go silly.

Make Up Recommendation: Laura Mercier's Traslucent loose powder gives a great finishing touch. Just sweep a brush accross your face (make sure to tap the brush before application to avoid powder bunching). Start with your T-Zone first and then finish with your cheeks. Use minimally lest you want to look like a ghost. This powder really gives you a flawless look.

Brush Recommendation: Bobby Brown's foundation powder brush. The bristles are so soft and they pick up the powder evenly so that when you go to apply, everything is oh so very smooth.

Mac's contouring brush is great for applying blush or bronzer. It makes blushes look really even and not give you super red cheeks that belong on a raggedy ann doll. And of course it's great for contouring.

Ashtar Command- Blister of the Spotlight (ft. Rachael Yamagata).

Tipsy

2008-03-21T00:15:00.000-07:00

I've been gone for awhile I know. I think I fell into a emptiness fog. You know, the kind of open daze that leaves you completely at a loss for words.

The fashion world doesn't suit me and my new agency with its long legged girls reminds me that I'm oh-so commercial. It's funny. I always longed to be with a top 10 fashion agency but now I miss the security of the past. I suppose it's the small fish-big pond syndrome. Still, I'm learning and flowing and I have to tell myself that it'll never be easy.

Cliche as it sounds, life is what you make of it and with that in mind I wish I could do everything I've always wanted. But there's only so much one person can accomplish and there's only so much air one person can breathe. So pick the right path for you and try not to have too many regrets or break too many hearts.

Man, I wish I could dance.

Make-up recommendation:
Armani Luminous Silk Foundation is simply amazing. It glides on like a second skin and I almost never have to use concealer afterwards. It is best applied with a foundation brush and looks best with a translucent loose powder over it. I use the Bare Escentuals loose powder, but as long as the powder is translucent it doesn't matter which brand you use. It is a bit pricey compared to other foundations, but it lives up to the price and lasts quite awhile. It can only be found in Bloomingdales and Saks Fifth Avenue.

Smashbox Face Primer is still my secret weapon. The silicone base makes skin look mannequin-smooth. Other brands have similar products that cost less but pale in comparison to Smashbox. Again, pricey but absolutely undeniably worth it.

My Target Ad in this month's Glamour.

Moloko - The Time Is Now (Bambino Casino Mix)

2008-01-17T14:53:00.000-08:00

Yes sir, the water is fine!

2008-01-12T22:35:00.000-08:00

It's funny, the depths of our insecurities will haunt us all our lives. The possibilities slip away from us to our detriment and the paths unpursued lingers in the mind singing the woes of what could have been. Most of hateful of all is its ability to mask honesty and the truth... heck the truth will set us free as some literary giant or other probably said and we're wasting it all away.

Maybe we're scared to be ourselves because it's so god-awfully hard to find people that might just take us as we are. The default shallow fallback is just so easy, why work any harder?

So to escape the scrutiny of insecurity is a happy wonder. I'm knee deep in the giggle fits (yes giggles) of friends in unlikely places and we're ourselves (or at least I hope we are) and I never knew what it feels like to be honest among people like the way I'm honest now.

To be in the company of real friends, to love someone other than your lover and family lets you be free of those pesky flaws for just a few small hours and it's just so nice we wonder why we can't do it more until we meet the unsteady gaze of a passing stranger and the immediate default inevitably resumes.

But still, my favorite moments might just be screaming uncontrollably over a serious four-person Tennis match on Wii... and I can't help but feel free.

A-Type Optimism

2008-01-12T21:57:00.000-08:00

For as long as I can remember, I wanted Target. I don't know, those glossy meticulate ads are oh-so compelling. Nevermind the fact that people always told me that only the big fashion agency girls ever gets those jobs. Me? I'm a commercial model. Dell Computers and Cosmopolitan are my forte they tell me. And after hearing "you can't, you can't" for so long, you kinda start to believe it.

So sitting on my second Target photoshoot of the year in my appointed sparkling party dress I think... what now? It feels like an end of a dream. Cheesy as it sounds, whenever I take a good picture I can only deem it worthy if it's something I would be proud to show to Target if I ever got the chance.

But then I smile in spite of myself because well... I got Target! They like me! Me! Not just once but twice! And something as seemingly superficial as that propels me into the New Year.

So what now? Well...

everything! Everything is possible and I'm going to do the best damn job I can and be thankful every step of the way because they can't tell me I can't. Not anymore.

Most of all, I'm content. Happy with the way life turned out, Target or not. Waking up every morning to the best smile on earth and everything that comes with it... better than any silly glossy ad.

I love ya man in my life : )

and I love ya big guy in the sky.

I'm sorry you know

2008-01-04T21:16:00.000-08:00

Is it to late to say I'm sorry? Sorry that I can't be the girl you want me to be.

Love is never enough is it? -- Even though we didn't know it at the time.

I hope you're happy, I hope you found someone else to make you smile because you deserve it. I just wish you didn't waste all that time with me hoping that I could change. You fell in love with a phantom and I regret being that chameleon. I guess it's safe to say I led you on. I do that. So badly that I don't even know I'm doing it.

And I admit it now, I abused you, used you and left you clutching nothing but air because I was never there.

I'm writing to tell you the truth because it's all I can do. I think I knew it wouldn't work a long time ago and I kept hanging on waiting for something to happen... but I stopped loving you as soon I began.

It all sounds so wrong but can I at least tell you that I care about you? I always did and I always will. I just didn't know the difference between caring about you and loving you.

So now I'm asking you with care, if you could just forgive me for all my sins. I was young. I know this isn't much of an apology, but I want so bad for you to be happy because what we had was never happy. Not even once... not really. You probably know that.

I don't know what else I can say. I hope one day to see your smile ear to ear at a random street corner with someone who really loves you and makes your insides smile like mine do now.

To the men in my past.

A Year in Review

2007-12-31T09:54:00.001-08:00

Twelve years of insomnia watching those damn tortured sunrises feels warm to me. As I'm falling effortlessly into sleep clinging onto the small of your back everything is so easy. And it's so fucking weird to not struggle so damn hard each and every night, I feel naked.

So yes, that's the year in a nutshell-- elusive in theory; too vague for expression. All I know is one day the sun dances dimmly through the window blinds and the next day... well, they don't.

There are so many things that I want to say but I can't because I don't know how...

This year was too damn perfect.

I'm rooting for AL.

Even if I can't be there.

2007-10-24T20:27:00.001-07:00

I hope life treats you kind.
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of.
And I wish to you, joy and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you love.

Yeah, you.

Victim of Indifference

2007-09-12T15:17:00.000-07:00

I fail to see the merit in expensive accessories-- shoes, bags and otherwise. Perhaps my bias rests on my practical nature and an embarassingly classic sense of style. For me, a monogram print just doesn't cut it. Despite a widely held belief, it seems to deteriorate the very essence of luxury and dare I say, individualism?

I'm not arrogant or naive enough to suggest that society does not fall prey to commercialism. It's unavoidable and plus, who would want to return to subsistence anyway? My only qualm is lies in quality, comfort, elegance and yes, even style.

The price for the fashionable is a hefty one, a simple accessory can cost upward of $1000 for just their mediocre model. And one simply can't justify the cost.

A great cashemere sweater envelops you in its baby softness and delicate warmth, a high-end foundation fills in the imperfections like a silky second skin, best-cut diamonds sparkle seemlessly under the worst fluorescent lighting-- all expensive items but all justifiably so.

In the world of economics, price usually reflects quality. But when that pair Jimmy Choos are cutting into the heel of both of my feet (and I'm just standing on set, not even walking mind you) and I'm limping home like a victim of an automobile accident... there's something decidely absent in the quality department.

In the end, it's paying for the brand, but why? It's impressive? It's in? To whom?

When I go to castings and shoots, all the models wear the same thing. Jeans, a tanktop and an enormous oversized bag (big enough to carry heels, the portfolio and a change of clothes just in case) with wide straps that don't cut into the shoulders.

If someone expects me to be a walking logo, then they sure as hell better be paying me well for the endorsement.

My latest television interivew with Duowei Times.

http://www.rubikvids.com/viewvideo.php?id=cUtdIv2ML4s

Syndrome: Don't Worry

2007-08-10T00:07:00.001-07:00

She said, "I don't know if I've ever been really loved"

It's lonely on this gorgeous highway intersection. The pavement gleams a pleasant glow and I miss driving on it on those perfect cool days- if only in my mind.

I miss the "don't worry", the effortless efficiency that relaxes me. The accomodations that sway me back to sleep on those unbearable disfunctional mass transit-less days. Or when the city seems so close and so far, I find myself pleasantly unmoved and on time.

Still, it's a relief to get away from that stifling hold. But now? The days seem longer than ever and I realize that I'm just as far away as before. Maybe even farther because now I lost the quiet disposition of that fucking weary thing called hope. Damn it.

And it hangs there, like stale bread. So it suddenly becomes a game of deception. Or maybe something nicer, a better euphanism: sacrifice.

I give up. You're just a pale imitation of something I've always dreamed of.

So farewell dreams, I'm letting you go. You're not real and I know that now. And me? I'll never be happy without you.

It's okay though, we all do it. Wingin' it Darlin'.

A Decade of Harry

2007-07-23T11:06:00.001-07:00

As I trace the last line of "The Deathly Hallows" I feel both elated and dissapointed. The prospect of never having to wait on a line in the thick of July, engulfed by a sea of strangers seems foreign and unsavory. The delight in the torture seems a distant ache of a memory.

From the moment my gaze reaches the first overproduced ink, I am a goner. Pausing only after the dull pounding in my head, sleep overcomes my curiosity. Fingers entwined around the binding, bookmarking my place. Finally Saturday afternoon (six anguished hours in the morning dedicated to a newspaper interview as a reporter comes to my house) I settle the book neatly onto the shelf.

Small Spoiler Alert

Initial protests occurs early in the book, as early as page ten as questions lead me to ask if Rowling truly left her mark. Is Harry simply older, sophisticated and polished through a summer of anguish and unwarranted deaths? Or does Rowling relinquish the author's rights to corporate editors through and through. Is it an apeasement to public taste? Who knows? Because by page twenty, none of that matters.

Early reviews reveals book seven's violent nature and they're right... it's a blood-bath. Characters we hold dear to our hearts are forever lost. It's not fairy-tale trickery, there's no magic potion for their revival, no magic prince to kiss a poisoned princess... it's ugly, it's cruel and more than that, it's permanent. They die without reason or warning, and as Harry suffers through his twelfth (but not last... not last by far) death in book 7, it's numbing. He digs out Dobby's grave crudely by hand and I feel his heavy sorrow. He'll never be the same. But that's life, wizard or muggle... pain is inescapable and not even magic can erase the shadows of death.

I bow down to the author, whether it be Rowling, Scholastic-hired, WB-hired... it's inconsequential at best. May I dare say, brilliant? The character development is magnificent and the story-line boasts something even more beautiful. Love, deceptions, betrayal, friendship carries onto the bitter end. And just when you think that your heart might burst from the misery of it all, it picks you up with a tearful smile. The half-deserted hope is not unwarranted.

Snape... oh Snape.

Evoremore - It's Too Late (Dirty South Remix)

Models and Mortals

2007-07-16T23:39:00.000-07:00

Modeling is a facade just like any other-- only a little more ugly and a little more beautiful.

The X

2007-07-16T11:28:00.000-07:00

It's unfair isn't it? The best things in life are determined long before you ever realize its implications. The lottery, it'll get you.

I'm coasting. Looking back, it's a thrill.

This year? In a nutshell-- from homeless, jobless, dogless to everything-ness.

Funny, everytime I think I finally have a grasp on something... just a tiny sliver of certainty, the rug gets pulled out from under me. Reality check, I don't know squat. Every year I think "this it it! this is me!" to only unearth something surreal that I wonder if anything will ever be still.

Yeah, it does that to you. Life I mean. It'll knock you down to the very last peg when you feel oh-so high and make it up to you in more ways than you can imagine. It'll make you work for it, whatever that 'it' may be. I still don't know.

This year I'm all about the real smiles. It's strange, you walk around your whole life feeling uncontrollably sad and you carry it around with you since god-knows-when and then suddenly everything is better you almost don't know what to do with yourself. So you nod and mutter to no one in particular "ah, this is happy..." and it's not what you expect but it's borderline bizarre. And it's that lottery-winner feeling but it's always felt that way and every night you wonder "what's the catch?". What is the catch?

Is it skill or is it chance? Because from this side of the fence it seems to me all luck and some of us have all the charm. Blind-sided by the x, so I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that the x will never catch up to me.

In the end, it's a ride. A damn good one, with the best music you can get your ears around and the fastest shiny car you can ever want (still, a person always beckons for more... more)... I think the only thing it asks of you is to obey the speed limit... if anything, just to take in the cool air.

And I didn't think it was possible but every time I turn around, I like you even more.

Tiesto (Salt Tank) - Eugina