I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane

I'm leaving my old life behind and for the first time I'll be on my own in Michigan. I know I should be excited but all I can do is hold back these dark shadows.

I'm trying so hard to not make the same mistakes but everything is clear only in hindsight. If I learned anything these past few months, it's that we're 'giving it away'. They say time heals all but I still think about Casey every day. I know I should be thankful that his death was the biggest tragedy in my life but I can't seem to find the grace. And I feel so ungrateful for being so bitter about Casey or leaving home because it's so small in comparison to the heartbreak in the world.

Isn't it strange how it always comes down to the little things? These little things that you take for granted like waking up next to someone or the way someone smells.

There will always be vestiges of the past that lingers on but slow and steady like the little drummer boy, we march on.

I just hope God can forgive me for being so selfish.

Seems like it's been forever since you've been gone

There was a sparkly glittery time when casey loved mommy and mommy loved casey.

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

I'm gonna hold you close again one day Casey.

Bruised Water... God Damn.

I imagine you on an infinite line, faulty on the horizion.

You're all about soul and everybody knows.

There are inexplicable things about you that are so intoxicating that you make me surrender the soundest of my senses; things I never knew I longed for until I met you one random day.

Trance trance trance till' I die... and then you bring me back to life.

The End of an Era... kind of.

Tomorrow I'm shooting for Cosmopolitan... could it really be the last photoshoot I'll ever have? I don't know. Four years of modelling and MTV was fun (nay, more than fun-- life changing) but now it kind of feels like I have to get back to my real life.


But I'm excited for the future. It feels like such a fantasy; I can't believe I'm at the point of my life where I can say "Thanks but no thanks" to rocking schools to which I've been accepted like Duke, Georgetown or Cornell. They say half the battle is getting there and I think that's true of anything.

Modelling and Law School alike requires tremendous grunt work. Building your portfolio-- building your resume. Going to castings-- studying for LSATs. You have to work really hard to get your foot in the door to a top agency or a renowned Law School but I think it's worth it. Sure there are some people with natural beauty or talent, but I think for the most of us, we have to really try.

So what I'm trying to say is you have to really want it... whatever that "it" may be. And you have to remember to never take the easy way out because if it was that easy, everyone would be doing it.

And I really do believe that. Barring a (genetic) mental incapacitation, you can really do anything. You make your own luck.

With that being said, I still don't know where I'm going to Law School next year... I'll let that be a mystery for another week or two.

Gui Boratoo - No Turning Back

Thanksgiving Palooza

The only constant is change, continuing change, inevitable change. - Isaac


It's strange how different everything is when I don't feel any different at all. Looking back I wonder if everyone is equally as mind-blowing idiotic as me (Yeah.. I went there. I read my 3rd grade Diary... I was and still am soooo lame)? Everything changed for the better and I don't know what I did to deserve it but it's right here neatly wrapped in expensive Papyrus brand paper and I wonder how I ever got to be so lucky.

And for the first time life isn't raveled around one singular wonderment that consumes you like work, parents, friends, school or a boyfriend but rather, everything is a delight in a twisted kind of way. So I guess I realized... I mean really realized is that life is what we make it.

Best of all, when I smile, I smile from the heart and it's so bizarre because I've carried around an emptiness for so long and all of a sudden I feel whole and it's nothing and everything I ever wanted.

And yes, there will always be the stresses of life but it pales in comparison to the rainbow coalition of bliss that comes from you.

Love isn't what I imagined it to be at all. It isn't about the magic even though the magic is very real. It's the ability for it to light up all the other aspects of your life. It's the capability to walk around feeling full... complacent, I don't know.

And I guess it's not about how you feel about the person but rather, the way they make you feel about everything else and I understand that now.

50 ways to leave your lover

I know this sounds crazy but I think there's something inherently romantic about leaving someone. It's the soul's recognition of the absence of the one that gets me everytime. I like the notion that there's a screaming part of your heart that refuses to settle for less.

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My agency is flying me out to Miami for a photoshoot tomorrow. It's my first time and I'll be all by myself like last time in Vegas... I'll pack my LSATs to study. Maybe next time, it'll be for fun =)

10/31/08 - Armin Van Buren rocked it.

A Jackass for Halloween.

The idea of modern Halloween is so ludcrious and so far removed from its origins, I can't fathom any other country in the world embracing the concept of grown men dressing up as IPods as a national holiday other than America.

What exactly compels us to dress our infants up as lady bugs only to go door to door begging strangers for free candy?

I don't know but I LOVE IT.

We need to come up with more Holiday concotions like this one and I don't mean the semi-ridiculous easter bunny, santa claus crap. I mean something equally obscene and stupid as Halloween. One day of being a Jackass is not enough.