Sunday, February 21, 2010


There are few things in the world sexier than trance.

First State - Falling

Friday, January 22, 2010


So Daul died, I know it's old news. I guess that's what law school does to you, it makes everything obsolete.

I saw Daul from time to time. We ran in different circles; she was a Next girl, I was a Wilhelmina girl. They did fashion, we did commercial. But ever so often, when our castings collide, we exchange the cursory glances at our all Asian casting. There are so few of us, I think maybe thirty in NYC. And I think at one point or another, we've all shared a polite elevator ride up in 4 Times Square.

She was ephemeral. She was beautiful. She was quirky. She was everything I wish I could be-- two inches taller and twenty pounds thinner.

She loved house and trance, that's probably the only thing we shared. That and the loneliness on set. Everyday new people, sometimes not nice, and all the waiting. The damn waiting.

I know how dark the industry can be, it's a black hole that gets you to do stupid relentlessness things. Those nagging feelings, those nagging friends. Those people who poke and pull at your face where you're simultaneously the most important and least important person in the room. The empty hotel rooms. The endless flights. Life feels like it's on pause.

So you go home with your high heels that hurt too much after a ten hour day in command. All you have left is that voice on the other end of the line who tell you they love you and you know they do, but they are too far for comfort and you are too far from home.

Daul, this one is for you. Here's to better days and better ways.

Lonely Girl (Gareth Emery Remix) ASOT 402

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Back Where You Belong

I am going back to hell if hell was sub-zero degrees. Good bye pretty lights, gritty streets and love of my life. Goodbye hazy beaches, lazy mornings and our 6:30pm rendez-vous.

This three week break was bliss. From UFC to West Palm Beach to those golden arches that will carry us into 2010 and beyond.

X and I donated our final pint of blood to New York Blood Center last week to complete our gallon club membership. We are working our way into the five gallon club... maybe in another five years.

It is funny, it all started out as a way to skip a few classes in high school but as I get older I start to think more about the sick people. Maybe it is because we are getting to that age where we start to think about our own future. Or maybe New York Blood Center does a hell of a job with their ad campaign. Whatever the reason, it has really got me thinking about the madness and the destruction (both natural and man-made) in the world... underwear bomb on an early Christmas flight anyone?

Someone somewhere said that worrying prematurely is worrying needlessly-- I am sure I blundered through that quote. But I get it now. I remember when we were young, the grown-ups always worried about us and we never understood. We cut classes, we smoked cigarettes, we kissed boys and we stayed out late because it was all fun and games.

And we never thought that bad things would happen (at least not to us)... but if 2009 has taught me anything, it is probably that we need to do the best we can for the world. There are too many horrible things that are just out of our control that it just seems only right to try to do the things that are within our control.

Andy Duguid - Wasted

Wednesday, December 30, 2009


Law School is everything I expected.

I thought I would like the people and I do. I knew the professors would be brilliant and they are. I figured I would study ten to sixteen (during finals) hours a day and boy did I.

What can I say? Most of the time I go from point A (my apartment) to point B (Hutchins Hall) and sometimes I even go to a mysterious point C (supermarket).

I guess the only big surprise is how easy it is to have a long distance relationship. Sure, I know a person or two that couldn't pull through but almost everyone is blissfully faithful. It all comes down to the fundamentals. How happy are you?


Do you ever want to pull someone out from a long-drawn-out painful and fiery death from a slow-moving train wreck? I do. I have a friend-- you know... that proverbial friend-- who is with this person that's so damn wrong but they just won't do something about it. And they're never wrong in an obscene eyebrow-piercing-woman-beating-animal-killing-make-love-to-a-corpse way; that would be too easy. Usually, they're wrong in a way that is so subtle and so minute where it's easy to ignore that nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach that screams "get out".

I don't know, we've all been there done that. I know I have. You think to yourself that if you could change this one thing about this person, that they would be perfect. But almost perfect is not enough, not for me. And no one should ever have to settle for anything less.

We're all afraid to leave our comfort zone... to take the next step forward. But that's what we have to do-- keep moving forward. Maybe it's me but I would rather be alone than unhappy even for a second.

I'm glad I took that step and I suppose I will have to just sit on the sidelines and watch their God awful crash.

Who doesn't love a fireworks show?

Saturday, August 15, 2009

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane

I'm leaving my old life behind and for the first time I'll be on my own in Michigan. I know I should be excited but all I can do is hold back these dark shadows.

I'm trying so hard to not make the same mistakes but everything is clear only in hindsight. If I learned anything these past few months, it's that we're 'giving it away'. They say time heals all but I still think about Casey every day. I know I should be thankful that his death was the biggest tragedy in my life but I can't seem to find the grace. And I feel so ungrateful for being so bitter about Casey or leaving home because it's so small in comparison to the heartbreak in the world.

Isn't it strange how it always comes down to the little things? These little things that you take for granted like waking up next to someone or the way someone smells.

There will always be vestiges of the past that lingers on but slow and steady like the little drummer boy, we march on.

I just hope God can forgive me for being so selfish.

Seems like it's been forever since you've been gone

Saturday, April 25, 2009

There was a sparkly glittery time when casey loved mommy and mommy loved casey.

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

I'm gonna hold you close again one day Casey.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Bruised Water... God Damn.

I imagine you on an infinite line, faulty on the horizion.

You're all about soul and everybody knows.

There are inexplicable things about you that are so intoxicating that you make me surrender the soundest of my senses; things I never knew I longed for until I met you one random day.

Trance trance trance till' I die... and then you bring me back to life.