Wednesday, December 30, 2009


Law School is everything I expected.

I thought I would like the people and I do. I knew the professors would be brilliant and they are. I figured I would study ten to sixteen (during finals) hours a day and boy did I.

What can I say? Most of the time I go from point A (my apartment) to point B (Hutchins Hall) and sometimes I even go to a mysterious point C (supermarket).

I guess the only big surprise is how easy it is to have a long distance relationship. Sure, I know a person or two that couldn't pull through but almost everyone is blissfully faithful. It all comes down to the fundamentals. How happy are you?


Do you ever want to pull someone out from a long-drawn-out painful and fiery death from a slow-moving train wreck? I do. I have a friend-- you know... that proverbial friend-- who is with this person that's so damn wrong but they just won't do something about it. And they're never wrong in an obscene eyebrow-piercing-woman-beating-animal-killing-make-love-to-a-corpse way; that would be too easy. Usually, they're wrong in a way that is so subtle and so minute where it's easy to ignore that nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach that screams "get out".

I don't know, we've all been there done that. I know I have. You think to yourself that if you could change this one thing about this person, that they would be perfect. But almost perfect is not enough, not for me. And no one should ever have to settle for anything less.

We're all afraid to leave our comfort zone... to take the next step forward. But that's what we have to do-- keep moving forward. Maybe it's me but I would rather be alone than unhappy even for a second.

I'm glad I took that step and I suppose I will have to just sit on the sidelines and watch their God awful crash.

Who doesn't love a fireworks show?

Saturday, August 15, 2009

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane

I'm leaving my old life behind and for the first time I'll be on my own in Michigan. I know I should be excited but all I can do is hold back these dark shadows.

I'm trying so hard to not make the same mistakes but everything is clear only in hindsight. If I learned anything these past few months, it's that we're 'giving it away'. They say time heals all but I still think about Casey every day. I know I should be thankful that his death was the biggest tragedy in my life but I can't seem to find the grace. And I feel so ungrateful for being so bitter about Casey or leaving home because it's so small in comparison to the heartbreak in the world.

Isn't it strange how it always comes down to the little things? These little things that you take for granted like waking up next to someone or the way someone smells.

There will always be vestiges of the past that lingers on but slow and steady like the little drummer boy, we march on.

I just hope God can forgive me for being so selfish.

Seems like it's been forever since you've been gone

Saturday, April 25, 2009

There was a sparkly glittery time when casey loved mommy and mommy loved casey.

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

I'm gonna hold you close again one day Casey.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Bruised Water... God Damn.

I imagine you on an infinite line, faulty on the horizion.

You're all about soul and everybody knows.

There are inexplicable things about you that are so intoxicating that you make me surrender the soundest of my senses; things I never knew I longed for until I met you one random day.

Trance trance trance till' I die... and then you bring me back to life.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The End of an Era... kind of.

Tomorrow I'm shooting for Cosmopolitan... could it really be the last photoshoot I'll ever have? I don't know. Four years of modelling and MTV was fun (nay, more than fun-- life changing) but now it kind of feels like I have to get back to my real life.

But I'm excited for the future. It feels like such a fantasy; I can't believe I'm at the point of my life where I can say "Thanks but no thanks" to rocking schools to which I've been accepted like Duke, Georgetown or Cornell. They say half the battle is getting there and I think that's true of anything.

Modelling and Law School alike requires tremendous grunt work. Building your portfolio-- building your resume. Going to castings-- studying for LSATs. You have to work really hard to get your foot in the door to a top agency or a renowned Law School but I think it's worth it. Sure there are some people with natural beauty or talent, but I think for the most of us, we have to really try.

So what I'm trying to say is you have to really want it... whatever that "it" may be. And you have to remember to never take the easy way out because if it was that easy, everyone would be doing it.

And I really do believe that. Barring a (genetic) mental incapacitation, you can really do anything. You make your own luck.

With that being said, I still don't know where I'm going to Law School next year... I'll let that be a mystery for another week or two.

Gui Boratoo - No Turning Back