Thanksgiving Palooza

The only constant is change, continuing change, inevitable change. - Isaac


It's strange how different everything is when I don't feel any different at all. Looking back I wonder if everyone is equally as mind-blowing idiotic as me (Yeah.. I went there. I read my 3rd grade Diary... I was and still am soooo lame)? Everything changed for the better and I don't know what I did to deserve it but it's right here neatly wrapped in expensive Papyrus brand paper and I wonder how I ever got to be so lucky.

And for the first time life isn't raveled around one singular wonderment that consumes you like work, parents, friends, school or a boyfriend but rather, everything is a delight in a twisted kind of way. So I guess I realized... I mean really realized is that life is what we make it.

Best of all, when I smile, I smile from the heart and it's so bizarre because I've carried around an emptiness for so long and all of a sudden I feel whole and it's nothing and everything I ever wanted.

And yes, there will always be the stresses of life but it pales in comparison to the rainbow coalition of bliss that comes from you.

Love isn't what I imagined it to be at all. It isn't about the magic even though the magic is very real. It's the ability for it to light up all the other aspects of your life. It's the capability to walk around feeling full... complacent, I don't know.

And I guess it's not about how you feel about the person but rather, the way they make you feel about everything else and I understand that now.

50 ways to leave your lover

I know this sounds crazy but I think there's something inherently romantic about leaving someone. It's the soul's recognition of the absence of the one that gets me everytime. I like the notion that there's a screaming part of your heart that refuses to settle for less.

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My agency is flying me out to Miami for a photoshoot tomorrow. It's my first time and I'll be all by myself like last time in Vegas... I'll pack my LSATs to study. Maybe next time, it'll be for fun =)

10/31/08 - Armin Van Buren rocked it.

A Jackass for Halloween.

The idea of modern Halloween is so ludcrious and so far removed from its origins, I can't fathom any other country in the world embracing the concept of grown men dressing up as IPods as a national holiday other than America.

What exactly compels us to dress our infants up as lady bugs only to go door to door begging strangers for free candy?

I don't know but I LOVE IT.

We need to come up with more Holiday concotions like this one and I don't mean the semi-ridiculous easter bunny, santa claus crap. I mean something equally obscene and stupid as Halloween. One day of being a Jackass is not enough.

Another Hurdle

I just wanted to write one last post as a 21 year old.

Great year but it only gets better.

The American Dream

Without any doubt nor ambiguity; we live in the greatest country in the world.

With only dreams and tenacity at hand, the ability to achieve anything is not only a possibility but quintessentially dubbed The American Dream. This is a country where an estranged immigrant with only twenty-four dollars in his pocket and a citizenship obtained through political asylum can just fifteen years later become a multi-millionaire with broken english-- I know that man, I call him dad.

Growing up in America, I've only just begun to realize the magnitude of the American spirit. Strange how we can take for granted even the most basic rights that are refused by billions of people in the world. I can only begin to describe the awed envious looks on the faces of many others in an international airport when I flash that navy-blue passport that so proudly says "The United States of America" because united we are, by the common thread of being alien in a new land, of working hard to achieve greatness and of our undying devotion to our undeniable rights.

We are by no means perfect, but the pursuit of something greater than you and I, that is the pursuit of equality and opportunity drives us to strive for the better. If we want something bad enough, we as Americans will always without fail get it. We're a country founded by people that believed in change, to escape the tyranny of the old world politics, to practice what they believed in their very core to be right.

So Obama is right tonight when he says that we're not a "blue America or a red America" but the United States of America. And forgive me for being idealistic, but together we can build a country that will be worthy of the world's envy.

And when people tell me how this country is falling apart and how this country is trailing wayward, I just smile and nod. Because they don't know yet, they haven't seen America through my eyes. They don't know what it's like to be hungry in a third world country (at the time), they don't know what it's like to never have seen a car, the don't know what it feels like to know that working hard does not equate to proportional success-- I do, I was there and I love the US of A.

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By the way, I'm still on my raw journey. I can't seem to get into your blog but I just wanted to update you!

Selective Amnesia

Post tomorrow.

Make-up Recommendation: Baby oil is a great alternative to eyemakeup remover which can cost upwards of $10. You can buy a small baby oil bottle at any pharmacy for less than $2 and it will last you for more than a month.

The Persistence of Time

Do you ever walk around and out of nowhere, nowhere at all... a wave of regret overwhelms you and you whisper to yourself "Damn... could've, would've, should've."

I don't know why but that makes me feel so helpless. I guess it's because I can't grasp that notion, I don't believe in it. It's so unreal like a hazy dream, intangible and fabricated.

Me? I can only miss the idea of a person, I take all the things that I want to remember and store it in a box. I hand-pick the colorful memories and hold it close. Wasted years and that one big blow makes me wonder how I could be that naive.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I wish I could be all that for you. The stuff you miss or the one that got away. I don't know what I want from you... I'm confused. But I do know that I hope you are the person I hope you are.

Don't call me baby, I don't want to be second to that name. Are you lying to me or just lying to yourself baby?

I think about you all the time, but I don't need the same. - Name

My Zappos Ad, I finally found it in Lucky Magazine. Thanks Jiaying!

Skin Care Recommendation: Oil of Olay Complete is the only moisterizer I use. It is afforadable, has SPF 15, smells great and gets the job done. All my make-up artists stress how important it is to moisterize before you apply makeup so I dab some on 5 minutes before my foundation/concealer. I really don't think it's important to go out and buy expensive moisterizers, especially the ones with collagen because research has proven collagen can't really be absorbed through the skin in quantities that would be beneficial.

H.F.C.S.

My love affair with you began even before I knew of your existence. All I knew was that you made everything mind-numbingly amazing. Soon you had a hold on me and when I was finally told how bad you really were, I was hooked. I was like a junkie... people should have held an intervention for me except they were too far gone as well.

So like any rational junkie I quit cold turkey. Sure, it worked for 3 months but I eventually relapsed.

Like a jealous ex-lover, I seethed everytime I saw you with someone else... "if I can't have you, nobody can!" I thought. So could anyone blame poor me when my addiction to you came bearing down with the force of a million sperm whales?

Getting over you ain't easy, that's for sure. But I'm slowly putting you behind. Baby steps love, baby steps. But High Fructose Corn Syrup, I hope you know I still think about you when I'm eating a bland chicken wing at an otherwise perfect barbeque.

Yes, I'll come clean. You haunt me even today. You take the simple pleasures out of life. Everything from the obvious (chocolate syrup) to the not so obvious (ketchup and low-fat italian dressing -- my favorite...).

I know now that I'm better off without you. Yeah, I just have to keep telling myself that.

Make-up Recommendation: Chanel's Nude Blush is a must-have color and so easy to apply. Because of its natural sun-kissed colors (not at all like bronze which I despise), it's so easy to apply all over your face as you see fit (I would recommend cheeks and the tip of the nose) and it gives you beautiful summer glow.

My Babies - Casey & Toby

Death and so on

I'm a sucker for scary movies. After watching "The Happening" and "The Eye", I am thoroughly convinced my apartment is haunted. There is a dark portion of the corrirdor that is inexpelicably omnious. Of course I am told that the movies mentioned above were not even scary-- tell that to the could-be ghost looming near the door knob. One more thing, the shower faucet won't turn off. Coincidence? Perhaps. But I'm almost sure it's Robert the could-be ghost.

I am trying to come to terms with mortality. Being blessed with a death-free life can not possibly be permanent. The older I get, the more likely I am going to have to face a little someone named reaper. And despite the fact that meatball my beloved hamster has passed when I was seven does not at all mean I am prepared to handle it.

Yes "it". The it that nails you one surprising summer afternoon. And now the thoughts that keep me up at night... those insomniatic nights that I thought I already learned to bypass last freakin year... are thoughts of life after death.

I'm freaking out about the inevitable. The "What Ifs" are clamping down on my sleepless nights. What if there is judgment... who judges? What's good enough? Is there a heaven and who's going? What about that piece of candy I stole in 6th grade? Is there reincarnation? Am I coming back a slug? Or worse, what if there's nothingness. And what if I'm never going to be reunited with Meatball. And if I'm never going to be reunited with Meatball, did he have a happy life? Did I give him a happy life?

What's the lesson? I don't know. Be happy in the moment? Yes, duh. But there's more, there's so much more, and I don't know what it is. And I have a feeling I'm going to be up a little bit longer tonight.

I can't believe something as unseeming as "The Happening" or "The Eye" can be so unerving. Damn you Hollywood and your supposedly innocent interpreation of reality.

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Product Recommendation: I am loving Laura Mercier's duo concealer right now! Since it's the summer and we don't have to suffer through dry skin anymore, concealer is all you need. No more foundation masks, just get buy a concealer brush (I use Armani's concealer brush-- you can buy it at Saks Fifth Avenue) and blend the duo concealer colors as you see fit. Usually under the eye, corners of the mouth and the around the nose does it for me and you can let the rest of your natural color shine through for the rest of the summer and save on expensive foundations.

Beauty Inside & Out

The pursuit of the perfect physique is exhausting. Fat free, sugar free and low cal are the mantra of a poor dieter like me. All the painstaking nights of starvation and the intoxicating mornings(caffeine and all) leaves no satisfaction.

Waiting for a miracle drug leads to the deceptive art of buying product, endless useless, expensive (but oh so shiny!) products. Vitamins, lotions and all of aisle 6 at the Drug Store are the staple of contemporary health.

I want to once and for all, reject all this BS. GNC should not be our health store! There are no easy fix-its and I think we all need to come to terms with that. There is no miracle cure, if there was, the diet beauty and health industry would not be a multi-billion dollar sector.

They're scared to tell you to look down the produce aisle because once you do, you'll never look back. Detoxify your body with nature and yes I know, even I am cringing at my hippy-osity right now. Don't fall prey to crazy fads that yield fast results like the Master Cleanse or a liquid diet. You only get one body and you don't want to be that cadaver on last week's Discovery Channel with the black-tar like intestine. You don't need expensive product or makeup to look and feel great.

I wouldn't say it if I didn't whole-heartedly believe it. Eat right. Drink real vegetable juice and not V8, invest in a juicer, you don't need 6 meals a day (when does your body get a break from digesting? Of course you're tired all the time, your body is wasting all its energy on breaking down your breakfast, your pre-lunch snack, your lunch and your afternoon snack), that's phoo-ha. Only eat fruits in the morning and not with anything else or else it will ferment in your body (watermelon excluded). Yes you're having indigestion because eating starches releases alkalines and eating meat releases acid so when you eat them together they negate and food doesn't get digested. But don't take my word for it. The best beauty advice I can give is to go out there and find a raw food detox book, the recipes are amazing. I couldn't believe it myself but I made my own ice cream and salad dressing even though the kitchen is completely foreign to me.

Natalie Rose's The Raw Food Detox Diet book is a real eye-opener. Stupid as it seems, it changed my life. Do yourself a favor and start making a change. Even a little bit will do. You won't regret it. I haven't been happier, more awake and if anything, not for your health then I hope that radiant skin, bouncy hair and quick weight loss will prompt you at least take a peek =).

There are no cosmetics that I can recommend more than this but I will definitely continue next time with more cosmetic recmmendations.

Deep Dish - We Gonna Feel It.

to upload

@#(*& !

I'm in angst. Model agency angst.

Bermuda Sunday. Thank goodness.

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Edit:// I just switched agencies from MC2 Models to Wilhelmina Models. Cross your fingers for me and hope the switch was for the better!

The Heart of the Matter

The idea that people are unchangeable is suppositious to me. All it takes is the right words, the right kiss, the right soul and those painstaking preconveived notions fall apart. And that jerk who likes to smirk so enticingly with his over geled hair becomes that jerk who tucks the last strand of hair accross your face behind you ear two years later.

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All it takes is you in this hollow trench. Turn sideways and I'm torn between wanting it all and nothing at all.

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We're going away away! To the beaches of Bermuda. It's been a year since we've gotten that close to the equator so I'm going to be fully prepared with the good stuff for the double-take.

I'll go wherever you go silly.

Make Up Recommendation: Laura Mercier's Traslucent loose powder gives a great finishing touch. Just sweep a brush accross your face (make sure to tap the brush before application to avoid powder bunching). Start with your T-Zone first and then finish with your cheeks. Use minimally lest you want to look like a ghost. This powder really gives you a flawless look.

Brush Recommendation: Bobby Brown's foundation powder brush. The bristles are so soft and they pick up the powder evenly so that when you go to apply, everything is oh so very smooth.

Mac's contouring brush is great for applying blush or bronzer. It makes blushes look really even and not give you super red cheeks that belong on a raggedy ann doll. And of course it's great for contouring.

Ashtar Command- Blister of the Spotlight (ft. Rachael Yamagata).

Tipsy

I've been gone for awhile I know. I think I fell into a emptiness fog. You know, the kind of open daze that leaves you completely at a loss for words.

The fashion world doesn't suit me and my new agency with its long legged girls reminds me that I'm oh-so commercial. It's funny. I always longed to be with a top 10 fashion agency but now I miss the security of the past. I suppose it's the small fish-big pond syndrome. Still, I'm learning and flowing and I have to tell myself that it'll never be easy.

Cliche as it sounds, life is what you make of it and with that in mind I wish I could do everything I've always wanted. But there's only so much one person can accomplish and there's only so much air one person can breathe. So pick the right path for you and try not to have too many regrets or break too many hearts.

Man, I wish I could dance.

Make-up recommendation:
Armani Luminous Silk Foundation is simply amazing. It glides on like a second skin and I almost never have to use concealer afterwards. It is best applied with a foundation brush and looks best with a translucent loose powder over it. I use the Bare Escentuals loose powder, but as long as the powder is translucent it doesn't matter which brand you use. It is a bit pricey compared to other foundations, but it lives up to the price and lasts quite awhile. It can only be found in Bloomingdales and Saks Fifth Avenue.

Smashbox Face Primer is still my secret weapon. The silicone base makes skin look mannequin-smooth. Other brands have similar products that cost less but pale in comparison to Smashbox. Again, pricey but absolutely undeniably worth it.

My Target Ad in this month's Glamour.

Moloko - The Time Is Now (Bambino Casino Mix)

Yes sir, the water is fine!

It's funny, the depths of our insecurities will haunt us all our lives. The possibilities slip away from us to our detriment and the paths unpursued lingers in the mind singing the woes of what could have been. Most of hateful of all is its ability to mask honesty and the truth... heck the truth will set us free as some literary giant or other probably said and we're wasting it all away.

Maybe we're scared to be ourselves because it's so god-awfully hard to find people that might just take us as we are. The default shallow fallback is just so easy, why work any harder?

So to escape the scrutiny of insecurity is a happy wonder. I'm knee deep in the giggle fits (yes giggles) of friends in unlikely places and we're ourselves (or at least I hope we are) and I never knew what it feels like to be honest among people like the way I'm honest now.

To be in the company of real friends, to love someone other than your lover and family lets you be free of those pesky flaws for just a few small hours and it's just so nice we wonder why we can't do it more until we meet the unsteady gaze of a passing stranger and the immediate default inevitably resumes.

But still, my favorite moments might just be screaming uncontrollably over a serious four-person Tennis match on Wii... and I can't help but feel free.

A-Type Optimism

For as long as I can remember, I wanted Target. I don't know, those glossy meticulate ads are oh-so compelling. Nevermind the fact that people always told me that only the big fashion agency girls ever gets those jobs. Me? I'm a commercial model. Dell Computers and Cosmopolitan are my forte they tell me. And after hearing "you can't, you can't" for so long, you kinda start to believe it.

So sitting on my second Target photoshoot of the year in my appointed sparkling party dress I think... what now? It feels like an end of a dream. Cheesy as it sounds, whenever I take a good picture I can only deem it worthy if it's something I would be proud to show to Target if I ever got the chance.

But then I smile in spite of myself because well... I got Target! They like me! Me! Not just once but twice! And something as seemingly superficial as that propels me into the New Year.

So what now? Well...

everything! Everything is possible and I'm going to do the best damn job I can and be thankful every step of the way because they can't tell me I can't. Not anymore.

Most of all, I'm content. Happy with the way life turned out, Target or not. Waking up every morning to the best smile on earth and everything that comes with it... better than any silly glossy ad.

I love ya man in my life : )

and I love ya big guy in the sky.

I'm sorry you know

Is it to late to say I'm sorry? Sorry that I can't be the girl you want me to be.

Love is never enough is it? -- Even though we didn't know it at the time.

I hope you're happy, I hope you found someone else to make you smile because you deserve it. I just wish you didn't waste all that time with me hoping that I could change. You fell in love with a phantom and I regret being that chameleon. I guess it's safe to say I led you on. I do that. So badly that I don't even know I'm doing it.

And I admit it now, I abused you, used you and left you clutching nothing but air because I was never there.

I'm writing to tell you the truth because it's all I can do. I think I knew it wouldn't work a long time ago and I kept hanging on waiting for something to happen... but I stopped loving you as soon I began.

It all sounds so wrong but can I at least tell you that I care about you? I always did and I always will. I just didn't know the difference between caring about you and loving you.

So now I'm asking you with care, if you could just forgive me for all my sins. I was young. I know this isn't much of an apology, but I want so bad for you to be happy because what we had was never happy. Not even once... not really. You probably know that.

I don't know what else I can say. I hope one day to see your smile ear to ear at a random street corner with someone who really loves you and makes your insides smile like mine do now.

To the men in my past.